Voldemort's To Do List
by Queen of the Scoubies
Summary: What is Voldemorts To Do List? Well read to find out...R&R plz
1. The First List

"What to do? What to do? Voldemort chanted to himself "I know! A to-do-list! I've been meaning to make one for a while. Now what shall I do?" he excitedly giggled as he snatched a quill and parchment from a nearby table.

**Lord Voldemort's To-Do-List**

1. Kill Harry Potter (must happen soon)

2. Kill Hermione Granger (incompetent-mudblood-too-smart-for-her-own-good)

3. Kill Ron Weasely (is that his name?)

4. Wash dishes (there are none left to use that are clean!)

5. Torture death-eaters (they should wash the dishes)

6. Torture death-eaters some more (it will be fun)

7. Experiment using Chinese-wizard-torture-methods on Wormtail (hopefully they work!)

8. Kill Harry Potter (very very important)

9. Kill Harry Potter's friends (also very very important)

10. Look for new lair (this is getting too big…Dumbledore keeps killing my death-eaters)

11. See how many times I can spin around on the spot with out getting dizzy and falling over (current record 5 times)

12. Find wife (must be: tall, intelligent, a witch, likes snakes)

13. Correction! Tell Nagini to find me a wife

14. Get social security number (I need money to bribe people, I had no inheritance remember!)

15. Kill the entire Weasely family (they are a bunch of blood traitors)

16. Make more horcruxes (Dumbledore keeps destroying them!)

17. Find and kill Santa Claus (he is a fraud and kept giving me coal for Christmas!)

18. Conquer Hogwarts (my true home will finally be mine!)

19. Start yoga (should help my inner aim when shooting spells)

20. Kill Harry Potter (I hate him so bad)

21. Give Shnookles a bath (he smells really bad! I didn't know that dogs smelled)

22. Make Snape jump around on one foot for an hour (will be highly amusing!)

23. Start recruiting more death-eaters (desperately needed!)

24. Destroy the Order of the Phoenix (they need a reality check)

25. See if I can wire into Potter's brain (as painful as it may be)

26. Get Instant Messaging Wizarding Network (IMWN) to talk to random people and terrify them (I will love that!)

27. Kill as many people as I can in one day using as many different methods possible

28. Make a worship wall to all past leaders (Hitler, Suharno etc)

29. Make an attempt to be in the worlds Guinness records (hopefully for kissing a girl for the longest time)

30. Put fear into the hearts of all again (mwahahaha)

p.s. this is not in any particular order…Lord Voldemort

"There, done!" Voldemort exclaimed as he sealed the parchment and labelled it as 'PRIVATE'. "My list is complete".

**Okay…so I was incredibly bored when I wrote this, so it is most likely to be either hilarious or crap…gets on knees and preys for it to be hilarious…so….grins like Cheshire cat and runs away…review if you like!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


	2. The Second List

Voldemort was bored. He had been sitting in his favourite squishiest chair for an hour now, waiting for Snape to arrive. "I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored." He chanted hoping that something would amuse him and then it hit him, "I shall continue my to-do-list!"

**Voldemort's To-do-List: Part Two**

31. Buy a pair of purple dress robes with starts and moons on them. (Like Bumblebores – I really like them!)

32. Throw a non-Halloween party (I can dress up as the angel I really am!)

33. Go to the mall and buy a big Mac (I love fat filled food!)

34. Desecrate the grave of Harry Potter (I am bound to have killed him by now.)

35. Pop a balloon in Lucius's face. (I wanna see him scream like a little girl again! Way too funny for words!)

36. Steal a lolly from a baby (it always seems so easy on television…yes I do watch television; that show 'The Simpson's' is quite addictive…)

37. Bring Harry Potter back to life and kill him again. (Mrs. Cole at the orphanage always threatened me with that…)

38. Make Draco buy me a new teddy bear. Nagini destroyed the last one in her sleep. (Bloody horcrux snake, I can't friggin kill her!)

39. Go for a spa treatment (my pores are really quite disgusting at the moment!)

40. Get Wormtail to stand in front of a very fast moving train to see if it will stop before hitting him (hopefully it wont!)

41. Watch the pirates of the Caribbean movies (Bella won't shut up about them!)

42. Buy (or steal) a mobile phone and crank call random muggles (hee hee)

43. Cut the hair off all poodles (they are evil little fluff balls!)

44. Set Dementers loose in London (I would have them here, but they are just too damn cold and foggy!)

45. Make Lucius clean the toilet with an old toothbrush (why? Because I can!)

46. Make the "Emo Song" the national anthem (rip, rip, stab you, rip, stab, stab!)

47. Kill the muggles (they are damned annoying – and stupid!)

48. Raise Harry Potter as an Inferi and make him do my evil bidding (mwahaha)

49. Buy a new deodorant (less scented one, I DO NOT WANT TO SMELL LIKE FRANGIPANIS…I AM AN EVIL DARK LORD!)

50. Find and kill Severus for being over an hour late (damn him, now I am writing in this again!)

51. Make a voodoo doll, (preferably of Harry Potter, but since he will already be dead, or Brittany Spears)

52. Run around Diagon Alley in my boxers and draw on everyone's faces with a Permanent Marker (They'll never see it coming…)

53. Second thought, make all of the death eaters join me (Lucius, Severus and Draco can blind them all!)

54. Buy a Pygmy Puff and call it 'Fluffy' (I just love those little things!)

55. Send random owls to the Ministry of Magic telling them that I have planted a bomb in the building (as much as I hate muggles, they are funny!)

56. Force Wormtail to walk everywhere on his hands for a day (Note to self: Stick his shirt in place first!)

57. Try Parashooting (steal someone's Parashoot and them push them!)

58. Lock the toilet door (ha! Ha! Imagine the queue of angry death eaters needing to go the potty! Hee! hee!)

59. Steal all of the beer from the local pub (I have no idea as to why I wish to do this, other than causing havoc…)

60. Spray Bella's perfume around the house and change the inkpots to strawberry scented, pink ink (then accuse Bella!)

As he put away his Quill and sealed the parchment, the front door slammed shut, revealing a slimy-haired, big-nosed man. "My lord, I have what you ordered" he said as he tugged 100 boxes of pizza though the door way.

**Hey, yeah I know I put this down as a one-shot, but insperation struck and this came out...I hope you like it and REVIEW it...**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


	3. The Third List

It was a cold, dreary, rainy day at Death Eaters Headquaters and once again, the almighty Lord Voldemort was bored. So naturally, he summoned a piece of parchment, a quill and his previous two to-do-lists, muttering, "Ahhh dear lists, now we continue…"

61. Make an international Lord Voldemort day (I am a very important person!!)

62. Apply for a job as a muggle mail man so I can steal people's mail and burn it! (Mwahahahaha!Those muggles will learn to fear the almighty dark lord!)

63. Buy a wig (preferably purple with shiny silver ends)

64. Jump up and down on one foot, while swirling around to make my robes billow around me (what? I saw it on WTV!!)

65. Second thought: Make Lucius do the above actions (Ha Ha! Then I can laugh at his failing attempts)

66. Participate in a hot-dog eating contest (mwahahaha! Vanish all of the hotdogs on my plate and then I WIN!!)

67. Walk into a death eaters meeting dressed as Dumbledore and see how many death spells are sent my way (There had better be a damned lot!)

68. Get a gym membership (I really need to lose these last few pounds on me…we can't have an evil dark lord with a beer belly can we? We evil people must stay as sexy beasts!)

69. Permanently borrow all of the women's anti-aging products (my age is starting to catch up with me!)

70. Buy some of those Telstra T3 shares (all of those muggle television programs keep saying that they are really good!)

71. Make a Lord Voldemort Birthday holiday (the bloody-useless-Queen-of-England-gets-one-and-I'm-more-damned-popular-than-that-bag-of-bones!!!)

72. Join a dating agency (Nagini is getting no where with finding me that damned wife!)

73. Push Wormtail off the tallest building in the world (I can't think of its name…..but he shall go SCHPLLAATTT!! on the concrete….he he he)

74. Change Lucius's name to Luscious (ha ha ha embarrassing for him!!)

75. Imperius Draco into wearing Gryffindor coloured boxers while running around Hogwarts in the middle of the day.

76. Employ Blaise Zabini to take photos of this possibly highly amusing event.

77. Create a new muggle computer virus called 'The Dark Lord Virus' (Ha ha ha! blow up their computers! Ha ha ha!)

78. Get a huge telephone book and whack random people over the head with it (sniggle sniggle)

79. Cut of Narcissa's hair in her sleep and then randomly blame Wormtail (mwahaha someone's gonna wake up a little cranky!)

80. Walk up to some strange person and start singing 'I just gotta knowww…..just gotta knoooowwww…..just gotta knnoooooowwwwwwww…What do I have to do to get inside of you? To get inside of yooouu? Cuz I love the way you move, when I'm inside of you….inside of yyyooooouuuuu!!' (Has the potential to creep them out a little bit)

81. Get a copy of 'The Davinci Code', the book and the movie (have you not noticed how it's constantly being advertised on TV????)

82. Become a serial hand-bag thief (I've always wanted to know what these old women kept in their damned bags to make them so possessive of them!)

83. Black out the sun so its night time all the time! (he he watch us all become albinos!)

84. Dress emo and go to the city (and then through burgers at people!!)

85. Body paint Macnair and make him walk through Diagon Alley with nothing but his body paint and death-mask on (mwahaha yes! I am evil!)

86. Go to Disneyland (I've always wanted to go there!)

87. Start train-surfing in the subway (It looks like sooo much fun!)

88. Learn how to ride a bicycle (Don't worry I'll start with training wheels!)

89. Hook up surround sound in the Death Lair (I'll just love to get the music experience at home!)

90. Mercilessly murder all non-purebloods with an exception to myself (Yeah I just bet you had all thought I had forgotten…..WRONG!!...I was just leaving the best to last!)

"For now we are done and we shall part with a fair farewell," Voldemort crooned as he sealed his parchment and hid it and its predecessors under a loose floorboard beneath his bed.

**Hello dear readers…..!! um not much to say today, but yeah on this one you may have noticed that I toned down the whole killing Harry Potter part basically cuz I too was getting bored with it and I got that irritating little review that reminded me of this darling little story of mine….since then I am making an effort to update my later stories that I haven't updated for ages….so I hope you liked my new chapter….I was bored and enjoyed writing it as per usual!! Oh and by the way, the lyrics thing in number 80 is from Inside of You by Hoobastank...mad song...**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


	4. The Fourth List

"Bored, Bored, Bored!" the almighty Dark Lord mumbled, "GOD DAMN I'M BORED!!!" after several moments of tapping, humming and whistling, he rifled through the draws in his expansive desk and cried out, "Where did my list go?!?"

**Lord Voldemort's Fourth To-Do-List**

91. Buy myself a vacuum cleaner and give myself a hickey (What? All the teenagers are doing it!)

92. Turn off the fridge at Death Eaters Headquarters (Mwahahaha! Rotten, smelly, nasty food!)

93. Make Wormtail clean out that very same fridge three days later — the muggle way! (Hopefully that would kill him!)

94. Buy some sexy-ass women lingerie and parade around in them for one full day (imagine everyone's horror!)

95. Go to an all-you-can-eat venue and eat everything! (Bet they won't be expecting that one!)

96. During the last battle, steal Harry Potters glasses (Booyea! He won't be able to see! The little blind Pott-boy will die in my mercy!)

97. Stand in the middle of a muggle road and see how many people would try to run me over (of course I would be protected by my own magical power)

98. Spray flowery girl perfume throughout Snape's room (no more many scents for him!)

99. Ask the order if I could stay with them (I could say I was fighting with my death eaters and rock up on their doorstep with tears in my cute little eyes — they just wont be able to resist!

100. Give Macnair a big, fluffy pink bunny rabbit for his birthday (hehe no particular reason other than seeing his face contort with rage)

101. Put a 'kick me' sign on the back of Lucius (hehe who would have the guts to kick him? ME! MEEEEE!!)

102. Steal a muggle mini-bus and go on a car trip with my closest death eaters (just a random urge!)

103. Use the phone box to get into the ministry and state my business as 'the murder of the Minister of Magic' (do you think it would still let me in?)

104. Make Wormtail leap off the astronomy tower at Hogwarts (if we are lucky, he won't survive!!)

105. Offer a random muggle a cup of tea and then get all enraged and insulted when they sensibly decline (no one, particularly muggles, say no to this little lord Voldemort!)

106. Get Wormtail to transform and then pluck every hair from his body (There's nothing lick cruelty to vermin like Wormtail!)

107. Write a book about how great I am (it in all seriousness may require a sequel)

108. Force the Malfoy's to use public toilets with cheap toilet paper (it is something that they do detest the thought of)

109. Grow an emo fringe (if Snape can have one, the so can I!)

110. Walk down Diagon Alley dressed as a drag queen (its just a secret burning desire of mine)

111. Learn how to do back flips unaided (it will be hard, but as the dark lord, I know I will be able to do it)

112. Attend a rock concert and 'mosh it up man' (whoooooo!)

113. Steal the Mona Lisa (such a sexy whore she is!)

114. Make Bella dress like a girl (we'll even paint her nails pink!)

115. Search for the dictionary meaning of love (god it was all bloody Bumblebore would ever drone on about!)

116. Kidnap a monkey (they are just so ickle and cute and they can learn tricks!)

117. Install a disco ball at Headquarters D-E (it would be sooo cool — mad raving parties into the early hours of the night!)

118. Go to the movies and wear and afro wig (would it be pushing it if I sniffed every five minutes and crunched up old lolly wrappers?)

119. Grin creepily at people until they run away fearing for their lives (would a straight jacket be a good accessory?)

120. Hang, draw and quarter Harry Potter and co (for the obvious reasons!)

"Oho, done for know, but never fear dear list, you shall grow in later times, for Lord Voldemort will never tire of free time!"

**Yo homies...next installment...hope ya enjoyed...please leave a review!!!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


	5. The Fifth List

"There's a time in every Dark Lords life in which they have to complete their To-Do-List" Voldemort tried to reason with himself as he searched almost aimlessly through his cluttered cupboards for the list he started oh-so very long ago. "I WANT MY TO-DO-LIST FINISHED!!" he screamed as he found it shoved behind several heavy pairs of boots and a Death-Mask and settled down for a long night of listening to his quill scratching on old, creased parchment.

**Voldemorts Fifth To-Do-List**

**_(Because he has no life!)_**

121. Build the tallest tower on earth and drop a coin off the edge preferably on Wormtail's head.(Will the brain matter – or there lack of – really splatter everywhere as suggested in many muggle studies?)

122. Crash a wedding, get laid and then ditch the chick. (I just love that movie!)

123. Book a hot-air-balloon joy-ride and then not turn up. (I know, I know, I'm just too evil!)

124. Steal a mini-bus and street race it. (Tokyo Drift style!)

125. Go shopping in Speedos. (Then they can see my sexy body!)

126. Take Wormtail to the movies, and then make him throw stale sweets at unsuspecting old people. (Sad but funny. Imagine their faces!)

127. Buy a cowboy hat. (Yeeha!)

128. Trip Snape into a trip to the hairdressers. (Cut, wash and blow-dry coming his way!)

129. Pull and elephants trunk. (The big question: Will it scream?)

130. Walk up prostitute lane in Las Vegas and deem them all unworthy of your attention. (How pissed will they get!)

131. Let off a fart-bomb in the kitchen of DEAHQ – Death Eaters Anonymous Head Quarters. (Why? Because I can.)

132. Re-name my faithful group. (Death-Eaters is getting a bit old – people just aren't cowering as they used too!)

133. Create a rally against the violence of senior citizens. (Walking sticks are like damned wands to that aged lot!)

134. Eat a block of cheese in front of Wormtail. (Hopefully he'll wet his pants in anticipation of me sharing – not that I will)

135. Get Lucius to jump in front of a muggle bus. (Just to see if it stops quick enough to save him from serious injury)

136. Order a hamburger with no fillings. (Why not?)

137. Walk into a room and randomly play with the light switch. (On. Off. On. Off. On. Off….)

138. Get Bella to kiss one of the Queen's Guards. (I bet they will move then – I know I would!)

139. Hold an open day at Death HQ. (Promoting our cause!)

140. Buy a pet goldfish and take it back for a refund when it dies. (They come with a lifetime guarantee right?!?)

141. Wear fishnets and short skirts during peace-meetings with the Minister of Magic. (What a stir that will cause!)

142. Train surf! (It's young, it's hip and it's death-defying!)

143. Buy a car to kick when I can't figure out how to make it work. (Then I'll kidnap a useless muggle to show me!)

144. Have a pillow fight (With whom, I'm unsure of)

145. Make Nagini try to eat an elephant. Whole. (That snake does have a big mouth!)

146. Rename Hogwarts – Voldie's. (Sounds better. It has a ring to it!)

147. Dye my hair. (That's right, I'm bald – dye Draco's hair black)

148. Torture than kill all muggles, muggle-borns, and half-bloods. (With the exception of my beautiful self)

149. Watch an episode of the Gummi-Bears. (I just love that fat one!)

150. Throw a huge party in the honour of killing the boy who wouldn't die and his pathetic side-kicks. (We wont mention that they aren't dead yet. But he will be...mark my words!)

"Yeah, so-not finished, but way too tired to do anymore." He snarled between a yawn that would never be stifled. "Finish next time."

**Howdy...review plz...Bye!!**


	6. The Sixth List

"This is the last time I'm writing this!" an old snake faced man muttered as he feverishly searched for his quill and parchment, "I hate this damned list!"

**Voldemort's Sixth To-Do-List**

Pull the wings off a fly (Then it'll be a walk!)

Read an adults book just like Snape does (You know, like one of those big fat _real_ books!)

See if I Can kill Wormtail with a nasty look (Well everyone says 'That look can kill'!)

Make myself a throne (No it will not be a toilet!)

Get bitten by a rabid spider (Then I'll be just like Spiderman!)

Buy a car (a big, fast, red sports car!)

Better yet, steal that big, fast, red sports car! (No money that way!)

Cross some things off this list (It's getting way too long!)

Throw someone off a bridge (I'm voting for Lucius!)

Eat chocolate in front of a pregnant woman craving chocolate (I don't know why….I just want to do it)

Wear eyeliner (Preferably Black and Smudged)

Let paranoia set in (OMG! He's trying to kill me with that rubber chicken!!)

Buy a rubber chicken (It will be my Evil Sidekick)

Scream like a Harpie (Bella can do it, why cant I?)

Sue a muggle surgeon over the destruction of my face (I can see the dollar signs!!)

Catch a Snitcher (And then let it go during the next Quidditch World Cup)

Tie Wormtail down and let a Cat have their way with him (I love seeing him terrified!)

Hunt a muggle (Then run away when the sirens start)

Book a driving lesson (Too bad they won't be able to find the place!)

Wait til midnight then turn on all the lights (I'll wake all those poor ickle Death Eaters from their beauty sleep!)

Sleep on a random door step (The question: Will they take mercy on me?)

Dress like Santa at Easter (That will cause some confusion!)

Propose to Elvis (I don't care that he is dead, he will be mine!!)

Abduct the Queen's Corgi's (Oh yeah, I am bad!)

Buy Voldemort Junior a friend (My poor little Kitty only has Wormtail to chase…and then eat)

Enroll with Death Eaters Anonymous (And then quit….mwahaha!)

Shave Lucius's head when he's sleeping (We'll do Draco too while we're at it)

Watch five very boring movies in a row (Will I last…?)

Hold the Death Eater Olympics (Will include Muggle Torture, Avada on the spot and Dodge This Curse!)

Desecrate the already Desecrated grave of one Harry Potter (and his friends)

"What have I accomplished?" Voldemort asked himself, "Nothing, Absolutely Nothing!" and shoved the list into the growing pile hidden under the loose floorboard under the bed.

**Yo, thanks for the reviews again...hope you liked this chapter...**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


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